something for everyone
for the attentive rent [parent], a new study indicates parents not wearing seatbelts leads to teenagers' early sexual activity. it did for me, anyway.

for the gary larson fan, an old far side cartoon: three cows feeding in a pasture, one staring wide-eyed at their feast of green grass. caption says, "hey, wait a minute! this is grass! we've been eating grass!"

for the tech-geek, a cool article about the near future of technology with lots of interesting links.

for guys, battle beasts were cool.

for me, i want to play marco polo with several short brunettes in an olympic-sized pool filled with those little plastic balls from fast food playground ballpits while listening to rage against the machine ... should i call the make-a-wish foundation for that? Matt @ 10:25 PM   [3 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
home sweet missile silo
so there's this site [missilebases.com], and on this site, the products sold are "first generation" usg missile bases. they're marketing them as residential properties. so you buy them and move into them like a regular "blast from the past" sequel. i don't think brendan frasier comes with the silo, but it's kind of a rad idea. this guy built a house over his so you can't even tell it's there. i think if i had the money to spend or if i had a visa black card, i'd probably buy one. imagine what you could do with all that space underground. you could .. you could ... run the world [putting pinky up to edge of lip]. yes, if i was bent on world domination, i would definitely purchase one of these fine underground fortresses. every supervillain needs his lair. Matt @ 1:11 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
there's lots of things to do with your monkey, but have you ever done this? don't worry. it's not dirty, you pervert. Matt @ 11:01 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
yesss!
tylerol made it onto google. i think that's good cuz i've only had this site running for about seven weeks. right on! [doing the bill and ted air-guitar]. Matt @ 10:56 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
it's a simple story really
man gets tired. man gets into car and drives around anyway. man falls asleep and crashes into school bus. man stands before judge in court. man tells judge man was tired from staying up late the night before making counterfeit checks. Matt @ 10:04 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
fundamentally developing marketplace technology total solutions
here at the company, we have what's called "quarterly earnings announcements". these aren't letters or emails or other documented reports like an outsider might think. what these consist of, basically, is really bad easy-listening muzak piped through the p.a. systems of all the buildings on campus at decibal levels that would kill a dog. this excruciating, blood-coming-from-your-ear performance usually lasts for about 20 minutes. it's kind of a heads-up for the upcoming speech by the ceo; like mood music or something. i guess in case you were going to exit the building, you now know better [because actually, they pipe the soundfeed into the courtyard too, and the echo's even worse outside, so it's safer if you remain indoors till it's over. tip: if you do intend to leave, run straight away from the building so as to incur the least amount of damage to your person].

the muzak then fades out and is followed by a greeting from our benevolent ceo; a truly great individual in whom there is no spot or blemish. ever seen that car commercial where the guy in car x drives into that little italian village and the whole village comes out to greet him and run with him as he passes through, including an old guy pushing a wheelbarrel? and then as the guy in the car leaves, the facial expressions on the inhabitants fall from happy to depressed? yeah, our ceo's like the exact opposite of that commercial [except i'm sure there's still a really nice car involved]. the speech that then ensues is the usual concoction of corpspeak [our company's dialect, of course], pseudo-motivation, random back-patting, and group reach-arounds. nobody ever seems to be really impressed with anything said. in fact, the most excited people ever get is when you hear the noise stop, and people stand up in their cubes and begin looking around at each other saying, "is it over?" "thank god".

today, however, i was able to glean some small nuggets of corporate vernacular from the earnings announcement, and i will impart them to you, the reader. here are several "key" terms and phrases found throughout the very "synergistic" speech given by our fearless leader: enterprising, integration, cost structures, technology sector, capacity, advancing our market position, total solutions, fundamental, solid, and execution. some other favorites were "growth trajectory" and "product roadmaps". what the hell is a "product roadmap"? i work here and i don't know. i sure would like a roadmap on how to find the person who turns up the volume on those announcements, though. i guarantee a "total solution" for that problem. i'd "strategically advance my market position" up the "technology sector" of his ass, the little nutjob. Matt @ 2:16 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
the mcafrika burger
in norway, mickey d's is now selling what they call the "mcafrika" burger, supposably [yes, i said "supposably"] based on an authentic african recipe. it's beef, cheese, tomatoes, and salad [?] in a pitta-style sandwich. meanwhile, back at the bat cave, 12 million people are facing starvation in southern africa. between the norwegian red cross and various other aid agencies, there are a lot of unhappy campers. their main beef [lol] is the "bad timing" of the fast food giant to release such an item at a time when so much of it's namesake [africa] is starving. it's "insensitive" to people in africa who currently don't have food [or mcafrika burgers, which based on previous menu items, are probably nothing like actual food]. of course, all big corporations are going straight to hell, but hasn't africa been starving since ... ever? was there a time when vittels were aplenty? i don't know. what do you think? Matt @ 3:27 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
"baby got link" by sir link-a-lot
battle royale between christians and warlocks in lancaster california, a teenspeak dictionary [i don't know why], and an australian investor who allegedly torchered people. Matt @ 2:18 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
deep thoughts, by: tyler
they say that this picture is two israeli border officers randomly standing near a statue and some posters of deceased palestinians, but if there's anything i've learned from late-80s, early-90s spy movies, it's that whenever you see middle-eastern guys with guns standing around big statues, especially animal ones, the statues are always [and i mean always] housing either gold or some secret priceless treasure. i bet there's a camera in its eye, too. Matt @ 2:00 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
boys, girls, and competition
a canadian study of 40 groups of girls and boys [ages 5-6] found that girls will only compete if there is something to gain, whereas boys will compete solely for the sake of competition. the study went something like this: the kids sat in a circle, and threaded beads on a stick until it was full, taking the beads from either a common pot or from each other. they played two ways: everybody wins, and one person wins. when everybody could win, the girls spent less time competing and more time watching their opponents, whereas boys played the same. their conclusion, as stated above, was that girls only compete when there is something to be gained, whereas boys will compete for the sake of competition.

my take: nice study, poor analysis. for boys, the sake of competition is that "something to be gained"; to know you're the best, regardless of what some outsider says [the outsider in this case being the rulemaker or gamerunner]. boys are about competition because it defines them. it tells them who they are. their winnings and losings give them benchmarks as to where they stand in life and in the circles of their peers. often, they'll jump at virtually any opportunity to test that. that's why so many sports are predominately played by men. that's why boys are addicted to video games. guys are always sharpening their blades. that's our job. to be the best in any area. often times, that leads to what would appear to be fruitless competition, but for the male gender, there's no such thing as fruitless competition. it all means something [granted, this isn't always the most prudent course to take, but it's still our nature].

as to the girls, i would say that, though they may be competitive in some [or even all] arenas, competition for it's own sake is not a primary instinct for them, because they do not feel the need to use it to test, sharpen, and re-assess their own personas like boys do. additionally, what this study tends to indicate about girls [if anything at all], is that they crave the visible, verbal, public approval of persons in authority [the gamerunners] much more than boys do. the recognition and admiration of persons to whom they are subject is of greater value to girls than the recognition and admiration of their peers, whereas with boys, it's the opposite.

please don't waste your time commenting by arguing with me on exceptions to the rule. Matt @ 10:54 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
sunday school: the plagues and the hebrew exodus
for not releasing the hebrew captives from slavery, god kills all the egyptian animals [including horses] with a plaque of disease [ex.9:3-6]. four verses later, all those same animals become infested with boils [ex.9:10]. then, eight verses later, he kills a good portion of them again with a big hail storm [ex.9:18-25]. but in the next chapter, they really get it. god kills all the first-born of the egyptians, including cattle [ex.11:4-5,10]. i wonder what kind of animals they were raising, because after having been stricken with various diseases and being killed multiple times, their horses still managed to carry well over 600 chariots to pursue the escape hebrews [ex.14:6-9]. i don't think this is supposed to be the moral of the story, but i'm really impressed with those egyptian guys. that's a damn worthy adversary if you ask me. how come none of our animals can do that? and people say we're advanced. Matt @ 9:50 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
classic lines
"how do i know you didn't just drive up here?"
- confused taco bell employee after seeing our car backwards at the drive-thru window [having driven thru in reverse]. Matt @ 9:44 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
some links
a knight rider faq for you die-hards, a two-man performance group that stands on stage wearing only big purple capes while wrapping their [censored] up in weird shapes like hamburgers or eiffel towers [thanks to asimov], and a funny ass site about a guy who hates everybody [and he puts a lot of effort into doing so]. Matt @ 2:43 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
buh-bye cappucino
for those of you that don't know, cappucino is a team manager here. the only one worth her weight in pudding [mmm ... pudding]. and now she's leaving for a better job in the natural body oils industry [the mother ship is calling her home]. so this post is dedicated to her:

good luck to you, cappucino
may you always carry that appreciation for life
may you marry mike ness, and date mike patton on the side
may your home always border a dirty creek
may john cusack live forever making movies for you
may your fridge never run out of pabst blue ribbon
may there always be enough avocado for your breakfast burrito [and no jalapenos or tomatoes]
may you always think of me whenever you wear fishnets
may you always be surrounded with friends [you deserve it]
may they always give you enough goofy stories to share
may you always have the right advice to give them
may everyone that's good to you always be a "peach"
may you always have that blank stare when the subject of technology comes up
may you always have someone to talk shit about
may you someday start that local music review magazine or be in a band or both
but most of all, may you always find what makes you happy
i'll miss you
i'm keeping your tape dispenser. Matt @ 11:36 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
what to do, what to do
ever wanted to do something to someone's car and just couldn't think of any really good ideas? how bout this? Matt @ 4:54 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
miss chanandler bong
i just watched this interview of matthew perry on techtv.com. i guess he has serious tech gear in his house - plasma touch screens that control things, tvs that appear as if from nowhere [like in joey's dream that one time], and if he pushes a button on his coffee table, it opens up and out lifts a panel holding the controllers for the xbox, ps1, and nintendo consoles. that's pretty cool. one thing that was kinda funny, though, was that the interview stage area looked to be set up to promote perry's new movie serving sara, but since it was techtv interviewing him, naturally they were only concerned with whatever cool gadgets he has at home. it would have been difficult for perry to be less interested in the direction the interview took and yet still be cordial. after a few minutes, the interviewer clues in to the fact that perry is only nominally interested in technology and isn't the slightest bit concerned with the back end of how it all works. basically, he just likes how the tv pops out at you [in his defense, he did state that the coffee table console idea was his own]. with the interviewer's dreams of finding a kindred geek spirit in the friends celeb dashed to the ground, the interview quickly ends. matthew perry may not be a geek, but chandler's still cool. Matt @ 3:01 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
the power of one
in a show of support of all the hype about california's "energy crisis" a while back, the company issued campus-wide directives regarding power usage, and even had a few days in july [always on weekends] where the entire campus was powered down.

an interesting corporate role usually arises from the rubble of hype such as this; that is the role of "energy metermaid". this is not a paid position, nor does it hold a place on the org chart, nor is it actually even assigned, yet it exists nonetheless. in short, the job of an energy metermaid [emm] is to authoritatively march throughout the aisles of other divisions uninvited, and turn off, shut down, or unplug anything currently using electricity, regardless of why it may be on. most often, this job duty is carried out early in the morning [before other employees arrive] or late in the afternoon [after most have gone home]. this is possibly to assist in off-peak hours, but more likely to avoid any unnecessary interaction with other human beings.

you may wonder what type of person would fill such an illustrious occpation. you're in luck. i present to you ... mr. happypants. if you work with me and are reading this, then you know [or can guess] the true identity of mr. happypants. for the rest of you, he is a red-headed and balding, late-40s, free-food scavenging, debutant asshole who speedwalks from aisle to aisle as if being continuously yanked onward by his ... special parts. i have yet to come up a valid reason for his existence, much less his employment.

so anyway, today, asimov and i watch as mr. happypants, the emm, saunters on into the cube of my account manager who wasn't there. "what the hell is he doing?" i ask asimov who has a slightly better vantage point. "looks like he's getting on her computer ... what the fuck ... he's shutting it down." sure enough, it's now turned off, and back down the aisle he skips [late for some gerbil-buying errand, no doubt]. a few minutes later, i turn to hear my name called by a team manager now standing in the account manager's cube, "did you turn off this computer?" i respond, "no, [mr. happypants real name] did. i watched him do it." asimov concurs. being the shitstarter that i am, i attempt to stir the pot. "why don't you go say something to him?" as i would've guessed, the team manager smirked sheepishly and turned to boot the computer. too bad. i bet happypants is a pretty fierce eye-scratcher. Matt @ 7:14 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
a not-so-new kind of theme park
in northeastern siberia, there's an ice age wildlife park [that's right]. i don't know the extent of its species range, except that it currently contains musk ox, wild horses, and they're considering the purchase of bison from canada. okay fine. i'm not exactly sure how that would make it solely an "ice age" wildlife park, except for it's newest potential member: a woolly mammoth. recently, a male mammoth was excavated from beneath the siberian permafrost, and japanese scientists are hoping to be able to extract some sperm from the dead animal's testicles. if they can do this, they then want to impregnate an indian elephant [the closest anatomical relative] with the mammoth's sperm. then once the mutt grows up, they want to impregnate that one with mammoth sperm, and so on, in order to purify the breed. they figure that in 50 years, they can have an animal 88% pure mammoth. hmm. i want to see them clone a dodo bird. those things are weird-looking. Matt @ 3:15 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
newbies and badges
we wear security badges like pretty much any large corporation nowadays. so today, i notice that newguy has very slyly replaced the first name on his badge [which begins with the letter "a"] with "A - 1". naturally i ask him whether he considers himself to be the best, or if he carries the namesake of a hearty steak sauce. asimov [whose box neighbors mine] also speaks up, "why do you call yourself a condiment?" he replies, "... [wait for it] ... because i'm creamy and delicious". and he exits the area probably rather proud of himself. wow. that's spectacular. i wonder, how many times did he throw that line before he perfected it? he probably started with, "because i'm zesty" or "because i'm the original". i doubt, though, that he used lines like, "because i only have 30 calories per bottle" or "because i've used the same recipe for 137 years." yeah, those probably wouldn't work very well. Matt @ 12:51 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
do you love spam?
i know i do [sarchasm]. there's a new game in town to help rid the world of spam [unsolicited emails, not the meat substitute product]. the company is called habeas, and what they do is provide a service that works the opposite way as current spam filters. instead of disposing or grouping what it believes to be spam, it guarantees what isn't spam. here's how it works: they've copyrighted a haiku [found here] which will be embedded via software into the headers of a user's email [only businesses have to pay for the service, it's free for personal use]. upon receipt of such an email, the haiku is found by the recipient mail program guaranteeing that it is not spam, and the message is delivered. how is this enforced? anyone caught using the habeas haiku [what they call a "warrant mark"] for the purposes of spam will be sued for copyright infringement upwards of a million dollars or more. they already have a collection agency [Dun and Bradstreet], and several major spam filtering services [Spam Assassin, Mail-Filters.com] intend to support Habeas in their software.

my take: it's a very creative solution to the problem; one that is logical and can be enforced both legally [copyright infringement] and practically [not discarding important emails because they contain a sentence about personal finance, like current filters]. however, success would depend on everyone involved using the habeas warrant mark, so i'm not sure how effective they will be. if it does pick up, though, they'll be making bank, and other companies will emulate their service creating a more competitive environment for it, which will only lead to even better solutions, so i say, "rock on".
Matt @ 11:26 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
drug use down ... yeah, right
the Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse is scheduled to release this week their annual telephone survey of 1,000 random teenagers on the topic of drug use. here's the article on cbsnews.com. according to the survey, even though marijuana is easier to obtain than either beer or cigarettes [27 percent said they could acquire it within an hour], 75 percent of students said they've never smoked "the weed". also, more than half of the teenagers polled said they don't drink alcohol in a typical week, and about as many said they've never had a drink. b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t. i'd like to know where these kids live. i'm thinking not america. definitely not any rural town in california [yes, there are rural towns in california]. i don't need to go on a "when i was in school" rant, but somebody's wenus report is obviously out of whack. most of the kids that answered the phone were probably so paranoid they thought it was a trick. mary jane does that, ya know. in fact, 25 percent of them were probably either stoned or drunk while answering the questions.
stoner #1: [answering phone] uh ... hello?
drug use surveyor: yes, hello. i'm with such-and-such university. we're doing a survey on the topic of teen drug use.
stoner #1: [covering phone with hand] shit, dude! some guy wants to ask us questions about drugs!
stoner #2: fuck, dude! it's probably the cops.
stoner #3: fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
stoner #1: relax, i'll handle it. [talking back into the phone now] uh ... we don't have any drugs here.
surveyor: i'm sure you don't. i would just like to ask you a few questions if that's alright.
stoner #2: what's he sayin, man?
stoner #1: ... uh ... that's cool.
surveyor: ok. are you between the ages of 12 and 17?
stoner #1: yeah.
stoner #2: dude! what's he sayin?
stoner #3: fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
surveyor: and have you ever smoked marijuana?
stoner #1: [covering phone] dude, he's asking me if i'm smoking marijuana.
stoner #2: tell him it's incense, dude.
stoner #1: [into the phone] it's incense, man.
surveyor: what?
stoner #1: [covering phone] he's not buying it.
stoner #3: ohhhh ... i'm freakin out, man!
stoner #2: ... ok, gimme the phone.
[stoner #1 hands stoner #2 the phone.]
stoner #2: [in pseudo-deep voice] ... hello ... who is this?
stoner #1: [giggles]
stoner #3: did you guys hear that?
surveyor: hello, sir. i'm with ...
stoner #2: i don't care who you're with! we don't have any pot here so stop calling.
[stoner #1 gives a thumbs-up and nods heads excitedly.]
surveyor: ok, sir. thank you for your time.
stoner #2: you're welcome.
[stoner #2 hangs up the phone.]
stoner #1: dude! you totally got him!
stoner #2: yeah ... that was cool. Matt @ 10:21 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
things i do remember. do you?
push-up ice creams, "wax on wax off", the hulk, "by the power of greyskull", star search, "more than meets the eye", garbage pail kids, prince, atari, gremlins, swatches, bon jovi, 867-5309, pacman, kitt, the general lee, and the a-team van, "where's the beef?", 15lbs. cell phones, "two all-beef patties, special sauce ...", kids incorporated, snoopy sno cone machine, schoolhouse rock, aqua net, commodore 64, the bloodhound gang, "number five is alive", clear pepsi, trapper keeper, four-square, dr. pepper bubble gum, tron, spuds mckensie, "avoid the noid", joe isuzu, the dark crystal, remington steel not james bond, willie from "V" not freddy kruger, pong, and finally "i pity the fool". [thanks to dinergirl for sending me the email that these came from.] Matt @ 10:25 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
404: file not found
sometimes i can totally relate to johnny mnemonic. i have a whole ten memories of my life prior to eight years old, all of which are still-shots. this can be annoying sometimes. like today, for instance. friends are conversing about yesteryear, and the subject of kindergarten arises. with nothing to add, i blankly say, "i don't remember kindergarten" [in fact, i barely remember second grade]. i guess i blocked it out or something. they say you do that when something traumatic happens. for me, it was probably either my parents divorcing at age six, or me just realizing that nobody really has powers like the guy from manimal [man, that was a cool show]. or maybe, i'm just a clone and those ten or so still-shots aren't mine anyway. i should probably check the inside of my eyelid and see. Matt @ 10:21 PM   [2 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
monday blurps
in kobe, japan, in july, an unidentified young man calmly exited a local railway station apparantly uninjured, after leaping from between cars of a 60 mph west japan railway "express" train onto the stations' platform. he should star in the sequel to "unbreakable".

in clearwater, florida, 54 year old David Johnston is on trial for swindling investors. that's not good. so he formed a company with the same name as the lead plaintiff suing him, then under that company's name, petitioned to dismiss the case against David Johnston [himself], and now believes he has been cleared.

in mashhad, iran, a man convicted of sexually assaulting and killing his 16 year old nephew was sentenced to be thrown off a cliff in a big sack, with the understanding that if he lives through the fall, he will then be hanged. right on.
[EXT. Iran countryside. Top of big cliff. Thirteen men in dark sheets with beards.]
lynch-mobbian: [from up on cliff, yelling downward] HEY! ARE YOU DEAD?
sick bastard: ... owww ...
lynch-mobbian:damn! okay, who's gonna climb down and get him?
lynch-mobbian #2: dude, i'm not gettin him.
lynch-mobbian #3: i'm not climbing all the way down there.
lynch-mobbian: well, fuck! who's gonna get him?
lynch-mobbian #7: hey, i got an idea. ya think we could move that big rock over there? Matt @ 4:10 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
oh no, the major leagues are striking!
who ... the fuck ... cares?! here's an article on cbsnews.com about the baseball players striking [for the ninth time since 1972]. i hope they do strike, and the owners don't cave, and no judge interferes this time, and the whole sport crumbles into little tiny pieces that are subsequently eaten up by migrating birds on their way to a continent we've never heard of. it's one thing to play baseball. it's wholly another thing to demand oodles of cash for a game i stopped playing after junior high. "i'm gonna take my ball and go home if you don't share your bologna sandwich!" [pout pout]. who cares. please do. what are you whining about? you play recess games for millions of dollars a year. you major in the sport 5th graders play. gee, how sad that you only own three houses. i hope your big-wheel flips over and you're forced to serve hotdogs at pee-wee football games, or be the guy that runs to get the tennis ball when it hits the net, or be the guy who signs out the shuffleboard equipment to old people on cruise ships. get off your high-horse, ya fucks! Matt @ 11:56 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
proud mary, let it go
i don't understand why everybody likes tina turner so much. i mean, she had that one hit [4th grade girls liked it] in the 80s, but that was, what 20 years ago? she had a really bad theme song for "mad max: beyond thunderdome", and that wasn't even the good mad max [and did you see the video for it? cringe], so what else does she have that wanna-be pimp-daddy ike didn't beat out of her? idk. anyway, i just saw her on saturday night live singing some random, supposed-to-be-sultry love song in a business suit top with short shorts and a big black leather jacket. i'll give you a visual to help you appreciate the pain i suffered: it was like taking that one aunt you have that wears way too much make-up, and whose lipstick is always lopsided, then dressing her up in a nice ladies business suit just removed from a wood chopper, then making her sing and dance barefoot on a metal stage heated to a few hundred degrees ... and then tell her to act sexy. it was a bad train wreck. hey, i understand about having respect for the greats and what they've imparted to the musical scene, but how does that apply to tina turner? at least someone had enough pity on her to cut to commercial in the middle of her 'song' before she hopped herself into a happy little coma. Matt @ 8:49 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
pitch invader pitches something else
there's an article on news.com.au in australia about some guy storming the field against a referee or something. whatever. but take a look at the picture in the article of him being dragged off the field and tell me if you don't think dude is sporting some pine below the waist line [hey, that rhymed]. whatever's going on there, dude is way too excited. Matt @ 3:37 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
a cut-throat election
on thursday, 63 year old dekalb county sheriff Sidney Dorsey was sentenced to life in prison for "ordering" the murder of Derwin Brown, the man who would take his place as sheriff in three days time after beating Dorsey in a bitter election. here's the article. Dorsey was also found guilty on 11 of 14 counts of corruption. he claims innocence [who knows?], but what i found interesting was this quote of his:

"i was not a party to the murder of Derwin Brown. i did not orchestrate it, i did not plan it, i did not play a role in the diabolical and horrible murder of the sheriff-elect."

what i want to know is: who says the word "diabolical"? is that even a word outside of gotham city? c'mon. at least he could've said "fiend" too. this whole thing just screams made-for-tv movie.

tv show announcer guy: they took his badge ...
dorsey: what do you mean i lost?!
announcer: ... they took his honor ...
dorsey: you don't know what it means to be a public servant!
announcer: ... now he would take it allllllll back! ...
random bystander: get doooowwwwnnn!
announcer: ... Brian Dennehy stars as Sidney Dorsey ...
dorsey: all my life, it's all i ever wanted.
announcer: in this gripping portrayal ... of a scandal that rocked the nation ...
dorsey: this is my town! and no one's gonna take that away from me!
announcer: ... "not while i'm sheriff!" ... thursday at 8/7 central. Matt @ 3:02 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
sexual harassment hurts everyone
[that's what the brochure said.] especially the people that are forced to watch the really bad videos about it. today is sexual harassment refresher training at the company [in case we forgot how]. the event included brochures, 15 some-odd handouts, and a really cool video that looked like a cross between a south-american perry mason show and a jacoby-and-meyers injury attorney commercial. some great lines from the film include, "am i supposed to laugh at a joke that demeans me?" and "there's a policy against having fun at other people's expense." really primo dialogue, and the acting was just as horrific. the closer line was, "stand up for YOUR rights, and [name of the company] will stand with you all the way." i'm just inspired. i feel almost ... patriotic. did you know that blocking someone's path is considered harassment? well it is. i should've wore my "i leave bite marks" t-shirt. Matt @ 11:04 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
if you need a little power trip, then play antcity. basically, you have a big magnifying glass and you burn people, cars, helicopters and tanker trucks with it from high up in the sky till they explode. tip: if you don't blow up the tanker, you can prolong your gameplay. oh, and make sure you kill the guy in the blue jogging suit, cuz when you do, his dog catches on fire, and runs flailing into the street with tail aflame. it's great. Matt @ 4:20 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
bathroom etiquette for guys
yes, this is the long-awaited "bathroom etiquette for guys" article. warning: this is not a g-rated post. some of you you may say, "bathroom etiquette? what the fuck is this guy talking about?!". others may relate and fall over laughing. either way, the following is a list of rules that i think should be enforced in men's restrooms across the country:
1. do not talk to me while i'm handling my business. this includes when i'm sitting in a stall, using a wall urinal, and especially when we might be sharing one of those troughs at some outdoor rural event. unlike a woman, i do not visit restrooms for the social aspect, so save your small talk about how the day's going. i intend to relieve myself, and exit the room. this activity should include as little conversation as possible.
2. do not take open food or open drink into the bathroom with you. that is fucking disgusting. and don't say the drink has a lid on it, cuz a paper cup with a plastic ventilated cap and a big-ass straw hanging out yelling, "hello, air-born feces, come land on me." is not a lid.
3. do not assume the "no-handed, spread 'em" position with one or both of your hands on the walls above the urinal while you're relieving yourself. you are not under arrest, nor does does the weight of your unit draw so heavily from your balance that you're forced to lean against the wall for support. man your guns, big dawg.
4. do not pretend that noise we both just heard was not you.
5. do not moan or vocalize any indication of enjoyment while urinating.
6. you old people, i don't want to hear about your prostate, so save it.
7. wash your fucking hands, you dirty bastard. i don't want to meet you in some strategy meeting in a half hour from now and remember you as the guy that everybody saw didn't wash his hands. and i'll call you on it, too, so take the time to put your hands under the sink. that sign isn't just for the kitchen employees.
8. do not take the wall urinal right next to me if you do not have to. i will not feel slighted if you put some distance between us. i may have [allegedly] committed some crimes in my life, but none deserving a boyfriend in the bathroom, so move the fuck down and give me some space.
[the following rules come from agreeing co-workers]
9. no physical contact at all. don't try to pat me on the shoulder or shake my hand while i'm pissing against a wall. - asimov [or you may find yourself leaving the restroom with a warm, but really wet, shoe. -tyler]
10. don't use the sit-down stalls if your business only requires standing up, or if you do, lift the lid. - kubrick [guns don't kill people, splatter does. -tyler]
and one more for the road:
don't try to compare. i know what you're doing, and you're only going to walk away disappointed. Matt @ 3:37 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
rules for winning the lottery games on tv
1. it must be your first time playing. the winners always say, "i've never even played before. i just bought this ticket on a whim". the pot never goes to the people who dedicate their lives to winning it.
2. english cannot be your primary language. 90 percent of the people that win have to have their cousin or nephew tell them they won in some language i've never heard of, cuz they don't speak english.
3. you have to swear to keep your job. the winners are always seen saying, "i'm not even gonna quit my job." then either you have the perfect job, or a DUMB ASS, and they should give the money to someone else. Matt @ 10:24 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
pepsi came out with a new flavor now, pepsi blue. they call it a "fusion of berry and cola". i had to try it so i picked up a 20oz tonite. i wouldn't call it a "new" flavor exactly. really, it's like drinking pepsi while eating one of those blue popsicles we used to have as kids that never quite tasted like blueberry, and never quite tasted like bubble gum, so they were just blue-flavored. swoosh those two flavors around in your mouth, and that's pretty much pepsi blue. it's alright. kids are gonna love it, though. and because i know you're super-interested, i looked it up: the carbonation is slightly higher, and the sweetener content is slightly lower. the dyes they use are blue 1 and red 40. oh, and yes, it does kind of turn your tongue blue, but not near as much as pleasuring smurfette. Matt @ 9:45 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
in russia now, they're going to start monitoring all tv channel broadcasts for extra video frames containing subliminal messages [tyler rocks]. they've set up special [send tyler money] equipment to facilitate the job, and violators could face fines and/or have their broadcast licenses revoked. apparantly, unofficial data [give tyler your stuff] suggests that "a fifth of russian tv programs have extra frames, containing messages [eat your carrots] ranging from those urging viewers not to switch channels to political ads". that's 20%. crazy. sounds like a great job, though. i'd apply but ... well, it's russia. i wonder if i could telecommute. here's the article on usatoday.com. Matt @ 3:11 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
that's my crow ... betty ... betty the crow
there's this crow at the oxford university's zoology department that's so good at making and using tools that it's challenging the notion of chimps being the most proficient toolmaker in the animal world. here's the article on newscientist.com, but i'm thinking that somebody should really capitalize on the intelligence of this bird. i bet i could get it a job with my company. it could be a manager or do payroll or something. Matt @ 2:38 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
and i thought OUR president was poetic, what, with terms like, "evildoer" and his prolific use of the words, "justice" and "terror". in this article, saddam hussein [gimme an ess!] names us and britain as the dreaded "forces of evil" [do we get to wear capes or cool masks?]. reportedly, he also said at the same iraqi speaking engagement, that anyone [us] who attacks iraq will die "in disgraceful failure". wow, that's great. hey, doesn't saddam hussein look like a middle-eastern version of mr. c from happy days?

editor's note: this post has been revised to exclude the assinine american quarterback comment. i was never even on the football team. i was the dork in the middle left side of the classrom that, other than receiving praise for the occasional witty comment, floated through high school mostly unnoticed. thank you and apologies. happy reading. Matt @ 1:45 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
in india, at the funeral of her husband, 65 year old kuttu bai, sat down on top of some big ritual funeral fire and calmly burned to death at the cheers of the attending villagers. the reports appear to be contradictory in whether it was voluntary or forced, but from the article [found here on bbc.com], i see no indication of physical force, though with all the crowd cheering and fending off the local police from being able to stop it, as well as her two grown sons who watched her do it, there was obviously at least some level of encouragement involved. background: this ritual burning thing [called "sati"] started about 700 years ago with the ruling class in india. they would immolate themselves after their husband was defeated in battle so that they could not be captured. it's pretty rare nowadays [the last reported case was in 1987], but apparantly if you do it, you get to be worshipped [which is pretty cool]. since this incident, the local villagers have insisted on worshipping her as their new goddess [how come somebody else always gets to be the deity? marsha! marsha! marsha!]. the practice was outlawed by india's british rulers in 1829 so fifteen people have been arrested for this event on charges of murder and conspiracy. Matt @ 1:44 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
in massachusetts, an orthopedic surgeon left an anesthetized patient [for spinal fusion surgey] on the operating table for 35 minutes to go deposit his check. in the end, the surgery was completed, no one was hurt, his license was suspended, and all of his patients were transferred to other surgeons, but damn! that's funny. here's the article on cbsnews.com. Matt @ 1:30 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
personal pet peeve
did you ever notice that anytime any media site has a news article related to computers or programming or the internet, the graphic image for the article always contains tons of binary digits? c'mon people, is that really the only thing you can come up with? have you ever actually a screen do nothing but scroll ones and zeros in pretty pastel colors? find something new, please. Matt @ 1:30 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
had this dream last nite
guy pulls up at stop light in rush hour traffic. another car pulls up on his left with a girl in the passenger seat. their windows are both rolled down, and the guy and girl catch each other's eyes. guy says, "hey". girl says, "hey" back. guy says, "you like short weddings?". girl says heartily, "sure do". so both their doors swing open, and they both slide out of their cars to stand next to each other on the dotted lane line between the cars. another guy's there now and says to the first guy, "do you take her?" first guy says, "yeah". ceremony guy says to the girl, "do you take him?". she says, "yeah". ceremony guy says, "ok ... you're done." i don't remember what happens next, but i think they both got back into their own cars and drove off when the light turned green. Matt @ 8:29 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
cool bumper stickers i saw tonite
"i swerve and hit people at random" and "so many pedestrians, so little time". but my all-time favorites are "don't steal. the government hates competition" and "keep honking. i'm reloading". Matt @ 11:33 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
i've been thinking about getting a tivo, mostly cuz tv scheduling is inconvenient, and the majority of programming sucks anyway, even if you have cable. plus, i heard tivo doesn't record commercials. i'm not always home, or if i am i'm online, and i'm awake weird hours, so there's a few shows i would like to watch whenever i want [shows worth watching include: enterprise, friends, simpsons, stargate sg-1, max-x, a couple shows off comedy central, that 70s show, and beyond belief - just kidding about that last one]. segue: around 2006, broadcasters are expected to begin piping dtv [digital television] into our shacks providing better picture and sound quality, essentially bringing "perfect quality" shows and movies right to our front door. as you can imagine, the motion picture association doesn't like this. they're protesting basically the same way as when vcrs first came publically available. they fear that if we can just record the movie cable companies broadcast in "perfect quality", then we won't go out and buy it. the mpa is trying to force the hand of cable companies with an ultimatum: fix it to where dvrs [digital video recorders] can't record our movies that you broadcast, or we won't let you broadcast them [one way to "fix" it would be to disable the firewire port used to feed the tv signal back to the dvr]. i'm not sure what i think about this, but i still have my worn out, hardly watchable, vintage vcr copy of rambo first blood [with commercials] which i watched every saturday afternoon for a year when i was like 12. i still haven't bought the movie. so there. Matt @ 11:59 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
when i was a kid, i used to wonder why there were so many polish jokes. i don't wonder anymore. here's a pic of former polish president Lech Walesa. [incidentally, walesa won the nobel peace prize in 1983 for his campaining efforts in the human rights arena] Matt @ 11:04 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 

underpaid yasser arafat minion in big tank ... or ... zentraedi recon battlepod mecha pilot from robotech? you decide.


Matt @ 10:44 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
remember pop rocks? ever wonder how it pops like that? basically, they take an extremely hot hard candy mixture, mix into it carbon dioxide at 600 psi [pounds per square inch], and let it cool. as it cools it breaks apart, but a lot of the bubbles inside still remain. sometime later, when you put it in your mouth, the hard candy melts, and releases the 600psi bubbles of carbon dioxide which makes the loud *pop*. here's the patent for it held by general foods. Matt @ 10:19 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
i'm sure you're all familiar with sherman williams paints and their slogan, "swp - cover the earth". well i grew up in let's just say a rural area, and in my neighborhood, swp stood for something quite different [sue preem white pow were]. also, if you notice, the color of the paint covering the earth is red [blood red]. until i was about 11, i thought sherman williams was some racist guy with a secret agenda and a paint store. Matt @ 11:51 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
>>> stream of consciousness topic: television >>>
if i was a girl i would never do any commercials for feminine hygiene products. that's just embarrasing. it would be bad enough to be known as the noxema girl [and we all know who that is], but to be known as the "mary, are you feeling fresh today?" girl would be totally unbearable. >>> if i see another eddie the echo mickey d's commercial, i'm gonna go allen iverson on somebody, i swear i will. >>> the definition of irony [an oft-discussed concept]: mark mcgrath dressed up like buddy holly doing the twist in a dr. pepper commercial while singing about being original. >>> i know info-mercial guy don lapri has a great get-rich quick plan and everything, but he's way too excited to be on late-night tv. "your very own world wide web site ... right on the internet" [his exact words]. gawd. are people really this stupid? i don't know. >>> why is catherine zeta jones doing cell phone commercials? >>> once again, my decision to abstain from television news shows has been reaffirmed. tonite, the top story was a boomerang convention in germany. and by the way, you news anchor people, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, so please stop trying to be. >>> another thing that isn't funny: the entire carl's jr grilled onion cheeseburger ad campaign. >>> oh, and you tv network people, please stop filling your late night broadcasting slots with "home improvement". that show is almost as bad as touched by an angel. Matt @ 11:20 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
it's not everyday that we get to laugh heartily at the failings of other people [tho i try], however, today is one of those days. yippee. engrish.com is a site devoted to posting the failed attempts by other countries [mostly japan] to advertise or market their products in english. the site's definitely good for some teary-eyed laughs. i think this one's my favorite:

somebody should graffiti the word "stick" at the bottom of the ad, tho. Matt @ 10:35 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
you may think you're a cool dad, but have you ever built a mech warrior treehouse for your kids? ha. this guy has. and i must say as treehouses go, this one kicks ass. i never had a treehouse, but i did have a rad wooden fort up on stilts in my backyard. my dad built it from the leftovers of a temporary stage at arco arena on which the rolling stones played. true story. how many of you have had the stones play the venue in your backyard? :P Matt @ 10:34 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
some of tyler's garble
you think you figured it out?
life?
you don't know shit
i'll tell you
it's a cosmic fucking candid camera
happiness charges by the minute
contentment is just denial's clean blue jeans
the illusion of assurance
hallucinations of love
life is road warrior without the dog or the cool shotgun
get dressed kids, it's time to go drink some blood
chant with me, chant with me, let us in
what about me? ... nevermind
there is no haven here
recline in your sealy posturpedic, old man
drinking your warm milk and playing mortal kombat
till the raging crowd in your living room screams
"finish him". Matt @ 6:34 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
ever wonder what a psycho-bitch looks like?
this lady jumped a median with her mercedes, and ran over her husband three times in the middle of a hotel parking lot in broad-daylight with his 16-year-old daughter in the passenger seat [it appears he was cheating on her with one of his employees]. he's dead, of course. the actions were caught on videotape by the private investigator whom she hired that same day to confirm her suspicions of his affair [i think he should still get paid]. she was last quoted on the scene as saying, "i'm so sorry! i love you! keep breathing!" [fucking make up your mind already]. she'll be pleading innocent in court [yeah, she looks innocent. doesn't she?]. hey lady, i can understand the taste for blood there, but next time you're going to hunt down your husband and his [alleged] intern, how about leaving the 16 year old daughter at the house? ya think?
[bet that tape doesn't make it onto the next "red asphault"] Matt @ 2:12 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
you can't be in our club!
seven women from austria, germany, and the u.s. have been excomminucated from the catholic church by the vatican. the charge? threefold. first, they were ordained as priests buy a guy who calls himself an archbishop, but whom the vatican rejects as being an archbishop. two, they're women. and three, they didn't say they were sorry [here's the article]. yeah, it's tough being part of an elitist organization. i remember as a kid kicking tons of girls out of my clubs. conversations usually went something like this:
me: you're a girl. you can't be in our club.
girl: uh huh. troy said i could.
me: nuh uh. troy's not the autocrat. i am. troy's the squadleader.
[yes, those were our actual titles]
girl: well, i don't wanna be in your club, anyway.
me: good, cuz you can't.
[the conversation usually deteriorated from there]. Matt @ 1:38 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
in fayetteville, n.c., a 63 year old office manager was sentenced to six years in prison for embezzling $1.1 million from the law firm that employed her [anderson johnson], even though they knew she was an embezzler when they hired her because one of their lawyers defended her in the case brought against her by her then current employer for [you guessed it] embezzling. now, who could've seen that coming?

in nyc last april, a 21 year old disgruntled construction worker was charged with the pickaxe slaying of his loud-mouthed foreman. [maybe he didn't like his company's incentive program]

in west virginia, a 13 year old was arrested after allegedly robbing a convenience store at gunpoint for a porn mag. hey little dude, next time you're going to burgle a stop-and-rob, make the cashier dance by shooting at the floor in front of him, cuz that's funny.

in chungho city, taiwan, a man in his 20s was rushed to a hospital from an internet cafe after suffering paralysis for playing a pc game for three days straight. i'd like to know what game he was playing, cuz if he was playing warcraft iii, that game looks pretty cool. Matt @ 12:58 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
the latest album of british musical group "the planets" contains a 60-second track of complete silence. representatives of the estate of John Cage [who once wrote a 273-second version of the same thing ... nothing] have threatened to sue the planets for ripping off Cage's work. in response to the threat, Mike Batt of the planets says, "mine is a much better piece. i was able to say in one minute what [took Cage] four minutes and 33 seconds". this really happened, by the way. Matt @ 11:06 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
justice department loses 775 guns and 400 laptops
here's the article. pick your scenario:
fbi special agent corky: hey you! stop right there in the name of the law! [they could say that if they wanted] damn! where the hell is my gun?!"
... or ...
fbi inventory guy [on the phone]: wha's up, dawg? ... what? ... yeah, i got all kinds of cool stuff here ... like a shitload a guns, that's what ... no, i'm not lying ... you wanna see 'em? ... fine. i'll bring 'em over and show ya ... no you can't have 'em, dumb ass. they belong to the fbi ... of course they'll notice ... what? ... yeah, i think your girlfriend's sister is hot ... hell yeah, i'd like to hook it up ... how many guns? ... i don't know, that's a lot of fuckin' guns ... she gives good what? ... alright, deal. Matt @ 10:43 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
[taken from a bbc.com article on modern-day druids.] a friend of mine says, "if you're going to pick a religion, don't pick a dead one." i disagree. i think it's good to churn things up a bit. but what's up with the baby blue color scheme on the outfit? druidism is clearly an earthtone religion. you want to go with a dark brown or a beige. seriously, who wears light blue to a mid-summer's day tree gathering? Matt @ 9:43 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
you've always wondered, so here you go. chicks with hot voices include: gwen stefani, tori amos, minnie driver, alison krauss, sophie b. hawkins, phoebe [but only with her sexy voice], dolores o'riordan from cranberries, brad pitt's girlfriend in the movie devil's own, the high-pitched girl from shakespeare's sister, and josie maran [i've never actually heard josie, but have you seen her?! who the fuck cares what she sounds like!] Matt @ 8:12 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
i know, i know. you've searched high and low for an ascii-to-binary encrypter with which to send coded messages to your atari-playing friends. look no further, my techtv-watching fiend [you say you're not a geek? well, what does 'ascii' stand for? that's what i thought]. 0110100001100101011100100110010100000000. Matt @ 8:12 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
"mmm, this is good barbeque! is it pork, or rick from helpdesk? i can't tell, but i love the marinade." [if i had a chit for every time i've found myself saying that ... i'd have a lot of chits]. listen up, cubicly-incarcerated drones, here's some "process documentation" on how to bide your time while on the inside. [if it gets too unbearable, lan cords make great garrotes.] Matt @ 8:11 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
some things are so wonderful you don't even want to touch them. you just want to gently seal them up inside a custom-built, airtight, soundproof glass cage and put them on display in your living room. things like women. Matt @ 5:40 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
ashcroft, his tips idea, and a certain slate editor
an article found here on slate.msn.com reviews the vote by the house of representatives to shoot down atty. gen. john ashcroft's tips idea. if you're not familiar with this proposal, in summary, it basically elevates every civil servant in america to the position of "official anti-terrorist" snoop, moving them to rat out neighbors, stops on their postal routes, and customers of cable companies. you get the idea [tips stands for "terrorism information and prevention system"]. the ramifications of this proposal are obvious to anyone that can point to the color brown, yet certain individuals who would clearly prefer the usg to run their lives for them still herald the idea as a wonderful solution to our present predicament. the following are direct responses to the article i linked above:
1. yes, it is a bad idea.
2. you say that if a pizza guy had called in a tip on mohammed atta last august, our world might look quite different today. i ask you, what exactly would the pizza guy have called in about? that there were arabs living in an apartment together? prior to 9/11, what had they done that a domino's delivery boy would have known about [they were here legally, they had licenses, passports, the works]? and if he had seen something worth informing authorities about, he could have just called the police. that's what they do, remember? so now you want to have literally millions of government and professional employees calling in to the usg against the guy they saw in the supermarket who bought too much cardamom [it's a spice used in afghani cuisine]? you see the problem with your mentality is that a person is not a criminal until they commit a crime.
3. you cite several times that we already have laws [you like to use the word "mandatory" a lot] that require us as responsible citizens to report things like child abuse. i am completely in favor of those laws, however they don't apply here. the difference is that in those cases, criminal acts have already been witnessed, and that's not what tips is about [again, if it was, they should just call the police]. what does the "p" in tips stand for? prevention. it's not about solving crimes, it's about preempting them. this in and of itself is not a bad thing, but to employ an entire nation of kindergarten teachers, postal workers, and dmv employees to carry it out is far from an intelligent pursuit. i do not attribute to the average postal carrier a discerning eye capable of preempting the terror that might strike my neighborhood, city, county, state, or country.
4. you state that current caseworkers dealing with crime tips are often overwhelmed and, as a result, are not able to follow all possible leads. you also say that cops "shouldn't be dispatched each time the mail carrier hears me play my greatest iraqi dance hits cd". your example only proves my point that much more. how is playing an iraqi cd a potential threat? obviously, it's not. so the cops shouldn't waste their time on it anyway, the case workers shouldn't even be pursuing it, and the mail-carrier shouldn't even be reporting it.
5. i end with this: you state that no one disputes that we must sacrifice some privacy to root out terrorist cells. hello? i dispute that. that's stupid. is it worth my sacrifice of privacy and freedom of pursuit so that uncle sam can keep tabs on how many times my middle eastern neighbor takes his garbage out in a given week or which porn magazines he subscribes to? i don't think it is. go crawl back under your govenrment issue security blanket. Matt @ 3:02 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
we welcome you to munchkin land
this post is on the supposed exploitation of "little people". there's all this talk about how "little people" like Verne Troyer [mini-me] are continuing to be exploited by the cinematic industry; how little actors are forced to take humiliating substandard roles in film; and how "computers [and] production wizardry has allowed many" of them to be replaced by "average-size" actors [whatever that means]. there's even a word for it: dwarfsploitation" [yeah]. ok, it's not exploitation of it's done willingly. Troyer was the just the one who happened to get the part. there were probably quite a number of little people chomping at the bit to land a role like mini-me, so don't stand in line at the auditions and then complain that you're being exploited. and as far as taking humiliating roles in film, what do you think most roles in film are? they're humiliating. it's all about trying to get better roles for yourself based on your own merit. we've all seen clips of today's cinematic stars when they were first starting out. they sucked, the movies were horrible, the roles were "substandard" [in schwarznegger's early flick, "hercules in new york", they dubbed over his voice because his accent was so thick nobody could understand him. now, that's humiliating]. so don't whine and complain that you're being exploited every time you don't get the role you think you deserve. you don't deserve shit. nobody owes you anything. this is america. it may be turning socialist, but we're not there yet. Matt @ 1:35 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
dc phone home
two white hats have reconfigured a dreamcast console to work as a disposable network attack box. it uses custom linux software and it's handy ethernet adapter to tunnel through a firewall from the inside and "phone home" to the intruder's machine. the box cycles through standard service ports [ssh, web access, email, etc] in search of a door to the outside net. it pings and hunts proxies, too. and what would building security have to say if they saw the probe? "hey, cool toy." here's the article on securityfocus.com. Matt @ 12:54 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
dude, you're gettin' a dell ... but don't tell anybody
fox broadcasting network is going to go commercial-free on 9/11 this year in "commemoration" of the attacks. this move will reportedly cost them about $5 million. says head of fox news channel, Paul Rittenberg, "it [is] not the right thing to do to solicit advertising". yeah, before your patriotic euphoria takes over, consider the following: advertisers have already showed "reluctance to include their messages in what is considered to be somber programming that day". for example, neither dell nor pepsi will advertise on 9/11 at all. in addition, same head of fox news channel also said, "fox may just say that they can't find [anyone] to sponsor" the programming. fox's competitors have suggested that fox is merely giving up early on what appears to be a low income day. moral of the story: what appears to be altruistic, rarely is. do what you're going to do, but don't try spin it into some patriotic priority. here's the article. Matt @ 12:25 PM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]

 
fines doubled in construction zones
the following is a list of things on the road that should stop or go away:
.people that buy expensive cars and leave them dirty
.people that drive fast cars slow
.people that drive slow in the leftmost lane
.people that come to a complete stop before turning off onto a sidestreet
.people that drive straight for miles with their blinker on
.the jesus fish, the darwin fish, the ufo lookalike, and the rest of them [let it go]
.calvin or his female counterpart reading, praying, or pissing on anything [it's not clever]
.any bumper sticker that begins with "got" and ends with a question mark [we don't have it!]
.all variations of the fahrfugnugen slogan [farfromfunny]
.all busdrivers
.road crews that work during peak traffic hours
.people that stop 30 feet before a red light, and inch up slowly to the crosswalk
.people that leave 3 or 4 car links of space ahead of them
.people that try to guess when a light will turn green by jerking forward 3 inches every 2 seconds
.campus security guards who try to wield the power of an air traffic controller Matt @ 9:52 AM   [0 COMMENTS]   [PERMALINK]