bathroom etiquette for guys
yes, this is the long-awaited "bathroom etiquette for guys" article. warning: this is not a g-rated post. some of you you may say, "bathroom etiquette? what the fuck is this guy talking about?!". others may relate and fall over laughing. either way, the following is a list of rules that i think should be enforced in men's restrooms across the country:
1. do not talk to me while i'm handling my business. this includes when i'm sitting in a stall, using a wall urinal, and especially when we might be sharing one of those troughs at some outdoor rural event. unlike a woman, i do not visit restrooms for the social aspect, so save your small talk about how the day's going. i intend to relieve myself, and exit the room. this activity should include as little conversation as possible.
2. do not take open food or open drink into the bathroom with you. that is fucking disgusting. and don't say the drink has a lid on it, cuz a paper cup with a plastic ventilated cap and a big-ass straw hanging out yelling, "hello, air-born feces, come land on me." is not a lid.
3. do not assume the "no-handed, spread 'em" position with one or both of your hands on the walls above the urinal while you're relieving yourself. you are not under arrest, nor does does the weight of your unit draw so heavily from your balance that you're forced to lean against the wall for support. man your guns, big dawg.
4. do not pretend that noise we both just heard was not you.
5. do not moan or vocalize any indication of enjoyment while urinating.
6. you old people, i don't want to hear about your prostate, so save it.
7. wash your fucking hands, you dirty bastard. i don't want to meet you in some strategy meeting in a half hour from now and remember you as the guy that everybody saw didn't wash his hands. and i'll call you on it, too, so take the time to put your hands under the sink. that sign isn't just for the kitchen employees.
8. do not take the wall urinal right next to me if you do not have to. i will not feel slighted if you put some distance between us. i may have [allegedly] committed some crimes in my life, but none deserving a boyfriend in the bathroom, so move the fuck down and give me some space.
[the following rules come from agreeing co-workers]
9. no physical contact at all. don't try to pat me on the shoulder or shake my hand while i'm pissing against a wall. - asimov [or you may find yourself leaving the restroom with a warm, but really wet, shoe. -tyler]
10. don't use the sit-down stalls if your business only requires standing up, or if you do, lift the lid. - kubrick [guns don't kill people, splatter does. -tyler]
and one more for the road:
don't try to compare. i know what you're doing, and you're only going to walk away disappointed. Matt @ 3:37 PM