fundamentally developing marketplace technology total solutions
here at the company, we have what's called "quarterly earnings announcements". these aren't letters or emails or other documented reports like an outsider might think. what these consist of, basically, is really bad easy-listening muzak piped through the p.a. systems of all the buildings on campus at decibal levels that would kill a dog. this excruciating, blood-coming-from-your-ear performance usually lasts for about 20 minutes. it's kind of a heads-up for the upcoming speech by the ceo; like mood music or something. i guess in case you were going to exit the building, you now know better [because actually, they pipe the soundfeed into the courtyard too, and the echo's even worse outside, so it's safer if you remain indoors till it's over. tip: if you do intend to leave, run straight away from the building so as to incur the least amount of damage to your person].

the muzak then fades out and is followed by a greeting from our benevolent ceo; a truly great individual in whom there is no spot or blemish. ever seen that car commercial where the guy in car x drives into that little italian village and the whole village comes out to greet him and run with him as he passes through, including an old guy pushing a wheelbarrel? and then as the guy in the car leaves, the facial expressions on the inhabitants fall from happy to depressed? yeah, our ceo's like the exact opposite of that commercial [except i'm sure there's still a really nice car involved]. the speech that then ensues is the usual concoction of corpspeak [our company's dialect, of course], pseudo-motivation, random back-patting, and group reach-arounds. nobody ever seems to be really impressed with anything said. in fact, the most excited people ever get is when you hear the noise stop, and people stand up in their cubes and begin looking around at each other saying, "is it over?" "thank god".

today, however, i was able to glean some small nuggets of corporate vernacular from the earnings announcement, and i will impart them to you, the reader. here are several "key" terms and phrases found throughout the very "synergistic" speech given by our fearless leader: enterprising, integration, cost structures, technology sector, capacity, advancing our market position, total solutions, fundamental, solid, and execution. some other favorites were "growth trajectory" and "product roadmaps". what the hell is a "product roadmap"? i work here and i don't know. i sure would like a roadmap on how to find the person who turns up the volume on those announcements, though. i guarantee a "total solution" for that problem. i'd "strategically advance my market position" up the "technology sector" of his ass, the little nutjob. Matt @ 2:16 PM